Malaysians Say The Darndest Things!

An Open Apology To Pak Lah From A Treacherous Citizen

July 8, 2008

Dear Pak Lah,

I read a report by TheStar today that you are disappointed with blogs for spreading rumors and lies through the Internet and influencing people to have negative perceptions of the government. I know, I know, I am guilty of all the above, and it really makes the country look like shit in the eyes of the foreigners (huru-hara dan porak-peranda).

If there are any foreigners reading this out there, I hereby solemnly swear in this letter a.k.a. statutory declaration to retract the following statements:

1) I retract my statement that I mentioned Pak Lah enjoys sleeping on the job, and I am sorry for calling him Sleepy The Dwarf.

I have been reliably informed that all those images of Pak Lah sleeping have indeed been photoshopped, like the following picture:

Photoshopped! Pak Lah is actually checking to see if his fly is open.

2) I retract my statement that the Malaysia is effectively a police state. In fact, the police here respect the people’s rights to a peaceful assembly, and all those reports about police using tear gas to stifle freedom of speech and freedom of movement are false. Additionally, I wish to reveal to the whole world that my episode of being tear-gassed and water cannoned by the police were totally made up, and it was in fact, “air bandung” with copious amounts of “sirap ros”.

I have also been reliably informed that all those images of police shooting water cannons with acid laced water were photoshopped as well.

Photoshopped! Malaysians actually enjoying a nice dip at the KLCC fountains in a hot summer day.

3) I retract my statement that the Elections Commission is working hand in hand with the government to create favorable situations for the ruling BN government. In fact, because the opposition managed to win so many seats in Parliament, therefore it can be concluded that the elections were free and fair and without any interruption by the ruling party. BN won a massive 50.37% of total votes, and they still managed to win 63% of seats in Parliament while Pakatan Rakyat won 46.75% percent of total votes, and managed to win 37% of seats in Parliament (Source). This is extremely normal, really. You foreigners won’t understand such statistical anomalies because Malaysia is truly Asia, and Malaysia Boleh!

Pak Lah,
There are tons more I have said to hurt the very fabric of this nation, especially questioning some of your policies, but the 3 above are my biggest sins against this nation. I hope my treachery will go unpunished, for you are humble and mighty like God himself, and you will surely forgive me.

If I were a Malay man, I would surely be the next UMNO member and blast those opposition bastards to smithereens. But since I am not, I will just join MCA now and help myself to some fat contracts.

In the press, here is what you said:

“I want to tell the blogs to stop all this. They are also responsible for what has happened. The best thing they could do is to stop.”

I hear you Pak Lah, I hear you. I wish to reliably inform you that I will take responsibility and stop.

To show and prove to you I have truly repented, I have dedicated a painting to you, which contains a hidden message (it’s not the really obvious message, it’s hidden!), and is attached at the end of this letter.

I wish you and your family well, especially Jeanne and Khairy, and I hope you will continue to lead this nation the way Robert Mugabe has led his.

Sincerely,
Kenny

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Attached image: I_Love_Pak_Lah.jpg (AVG has determined that this attachment does not contain any viruses)

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